"Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” ― ― Alan W. Watts

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Written during a waxing moon in the sign of Leo, on a day ruled by Mars

Full Moon - March 5, 2015

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

Author's Note: The following will not have any effect on the regular postings of this blog.

Spring is working hard to move in. It's a challenge this year.  Things are still frozen solid.  It's very weird to be housebound most of the time.   When thinking ahead to Winter, I tend to anticipate big sweaters, cozy fires and warm comfort foods. I now long for cotton dresses and picnic lunches.  I never wanted quite this much Winter. Yet here it is.  The Old Woman can be so stubborn.  Yesterday it snowed. Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining.

Over the past few years I have become more solitary.  I know that I am supposed to worry about this but I also know that this is a part of something to come, a necessary reprieve.   It is not thought to be a good thing in our society, this solitude, respite, hermit time. We are judged by the number of friends we have, whether we are with them daily, or haven't talked to them in months.  It's now a badge of honor, proudly displayed on a webpage, in the hopes of attracting even more friends that we won't ever have a real relationship with.

I have not had many good experiences with friends.  I have had very few real friends. Throughout my life, people have hurt me and negatively affected my own feelings about myself.  People along the way have suggested that I get tougher and stand up to these personal attacks, but most of the time I had been mentally beaten down to the point of weakness, and, besides that,  there was something about confronting these kinds of people that didn't seem like the right thing to do, as it always seemed that the very confrontation was what they were looking for, a reason for treating me badly.   Energy towards these people seemed like a waste, energy that could be used towards better, kinder, nicer people, like myself, for instance.  I often feel I am just too sensitive for this world.

I have forced myself over the years not to give up on people, not to believe that I would be better off without these commitments, but time and time again, my trust has been betrayed.  So, I am now moving into a solitary time, a retreat.  This time, however, I am not going to feel bad or sad about it.  I am doing this purposely.  Maybe it is simply a needed respite.  The only thing I worry about is becoming reclusive, something I do not want to do.  I simply need to regroup.  I wonder if any of my readers have experienced a time like this, and have actually stepped away for a while?  If so, was it a positive experience?


 I have been getting this card a few times lately.  The footbridge over the water is very significant to me.  First, there is an early childhood memory that haunts me, regarding a sci-fi movie with a scene that included a footbridge and I will never forget the terror that the bridge caused in me. I am unable to remember what the movie was but would love to find out.  However, for me, footbridges are symbols of journeys into other realms and in this card, the rabbit also speaks to that same symbolism (thank you, Lewis Caroll.)  The man is taking this journey alone, and seems drawn almost in a trance to walk over the bridge to the other side of the stream. 

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

a real life

Written during a waxing moon in the sign of Gemini on a day ruled by Jupiter

Full Moon - March 5, 2015

 Author's Note:  Bit of a rant this morning. IRONY ALERT:  I do realize that I am writing this on a computer, and posting it online. 

 “Reruns all become our history.”  This is a line from a song (Goo Goo dolls.)  I think about this line when I am listening to and reading the views of others, opinions and feelings about the current state of the world, of how things have changed, the decline of the economy, the human race, the planet, the fact we are all going to die,   Someday.

Perhaps our opinions have more to do with limited memory, and a disinterest in the study of history.  There are some serious troubles in the world, yes, but this is not something new.  In fact, our current world is certainly not the most difficult, dangerous, barbaric and cruel.  Perhaps our expectations have to be examined a bit more. And maybe we have to resist being pulled into the control of fear.

I grew up in the 1960’s. During my childhood the happy dreams and expectations of the 1950’s were very prevalent where I lived.  The economy was healthy, children were allowed to be children, and Normal Rockwell illustrated this life as if it a was everyone’s life.  Technology was not yet a part of the average family life.  Television was new and began to paint a  very rosy picture of the world.  It also began to suggest ways to buy any happiness you weren’t currently experiencing.  Bad things stilled happened, but most of the time we didn’t know about  it. Children, especially,  were happily oblivious to adult troubles, and  the troubles of the world.

Once the telephone was thought to be the most wonderful invention.  It allowed us to talk to people without traveling or writing letters.  We could hear the voices of our friends and family any time we wanted. Eventually phones had a new feature called “caller display” and we loved it because we didn’t have to talk to others - if we had better things to do, if it wasn’t convenient.  Hence began our slow descent into our solitary lives, where we no longer preferred physical contact, or even to hear the voices of those we claimed to love.

Compared to other, usually brief periods of time,  the world is quite harsh now.  Mostly because it is very solitary.  Most of us feel alone in some way.   Families are defined differently and The Family is less a purposely formed entity of its own, but more a group of possibly related individual people living under one roof, at least some of the time.  I suppose we can mourn the loss of the better times, but maybe we should just get on with it.  Most of this is not within our control anyway, no matter how we try to control it through various forms of nonsense,  and yet we still have so much we can control. 

Recently I began thinking that my time might be better spent doing what I can do to live life the way I want to live it, while letting others do the same without criticizing, without having to be right or better, and maybe even let them live their lives without offering comments.   Maybe there is no better time than this to relearn what was once a way of life. Maybe we can even re-learn some social rules, such as when to mind our business.  Perhaps, instead of needing to be distracted and detached, we can begin living real life, the one we are currently living, not some memory of the past or a life focused on the future, not a made-up life full of “profiles” and “friends” that only exist on a screen.  Maybe we can even remember how to have a real conversation, or spend physical time with someone. Maybe we can manage to find happiness without buying it, and learn to love more easily.  Maybe we can know when to stop, stay silent, to  reconsider, to forgive, to forget.  And maybe we can even stop claiming we are  “reaching out” to others, when we did nothing more than send someone an email, or a text and are, in truth,  no closer to them than we ever were. 

Instead of trying to console ourselves with beliefs like “things happen for a reason,” (although I realize this is a comforting thought to some) we might be better off simply forging on like people once did, people who never questioned it because “that’s life.”   We believe we have so many choices now, but is that really true? Has it ever been true?

Time goes on.  Things change.  We can complain on Facebook about what’s happening in the world or we can do what we really can , such as walking our talk, and then, maybe stop talking so much.  Instead of mourning the changing dynamic of families, we can focus on our own.  Instead of our fingers moving furiously over a keyboard, or staring into a cell phone all day, maybe we should be just get on with it and live a real life.