Written during a waxing moon in the sign of Leo, on a day ruled by Mars
Full Moon - March 5, 2015
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
Spring is working hard to move in. It's a challenge this year. Things are still frozen solid. It's very weird to be housebound most of the time. When thinking ahead to Winter, I tend to anticipate big sweaters, cozy fires and warm comfort foods. I now long for cotton dresses and picnic lunches. I never wanted quite this much Winter. Yet here it is. The Old Woman can be so stubborn. Yesterday it snowed. Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining.
Over the past few years I have become more solitary. I know that I am supposed to worry about this but I also know that this is a part of something to come, a necessary reprieve. It is not thought to be a good thing in our society, this solitude, respite, hermit time. We are judged by the number of friends we have, whether we are with them daily, or haven't talked to them in months. It's now a badge of honor, proudly displayed on a webpage, in the hopes of attracting even more friends that we won't ever have a real relationship with.
I have not had many good experiences with friends. I have had very few real friends. Throughout my life, people have hurt me and negatively affected my own feelings about myself. People along the way have suggested that I get tougher and stand up to these personal attacks, but most of the time I had been mentally beaten down to the point of weakness, and, besides that, there was something about confronting these kinds of people that didn't seem like the right thing to do, as it always seemed that the very confrontation was what they were looking for, a reason for treating me badly. Energy towards these people seemed like a waste, energy that could be used towards better, kinder, nicer people, like myself, for instance. I often feel I am just too sensitive for this world.
I have forced myself over the years not to give up on people, not to believe that I would be better off without these commitments, but time and time again, my trust has been betrayed. So, I am now moving into a solitary time, a retreat. This time, however, I am not going to feel bad or sad about it. I am doing this purposely. Maybe it is simply a needed respite. The only thing I worry about is becoming reclusive, something I do not want to do. I simply need to regroup. I wonder if any of my readers have experienced a time like this, and have actually stepped away for a while? If so, was it a positive experience?
TODAY'S TAROT CARD
I have been getting this card a few times lately. The footbridge over the water is very significant to me. First, there is an early childhood memory that haunts me, regarding a sci-fi movie with a scene that included a footbridge and I will never forget the terror that the bridge caused in me. I am unable to remember what the movie was but would love to find out. However, for me, footbridges are symbols of journeys into other realms and in this card, the rabbit also speaks to that same symbolism (thank you, Lewis Caroll.) The man is taking this journey alone, and seems drawn almost in a trance to walk over the bridge to the other side of the stream.
I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre